[Ennui doesn't eat away at him the same way it used to, but sometimes boredom threatens to gnaw at Noctis when he finds himself with idle time and nothing to fill it with. He's borrowed a piece of paper and a pencil from Annie, and is doodling with it against his leg, keeping them crossed as he sits.
He looks up at her remark, though. He looks vaguely confused and surprised.]
I'm not all that great at it, either. [It's what he truly believes. He never was good at words, and the fact that someone thinks that he is is a little mind-boggling.]
(Asuka... I remember her. I talked to her when she first arrived. She did seem like she had a lot of... well. Issues to work out with some of the other people here.)
(That I'm a worthless junkie hypocrite, but I don't want her to turn out like me?)
[ Her nose wrinkles. ]
(I tried telling her like... It's okay to not be perfect and shit, but it's hard to pretend mistakes here aren't gonna get us killed. Or that she's ever going to get a chance to be anything other than a soldier working for the fucking brain bug. Everything I wanted to say felt useless. )
[ A sad, sideways look gets moved in his direction. ]
[A part of him doesn't know what she wants him to say. It's difficult, because he's not sure he'd have done much better.]
(You're not worthless.)
[But he has to get that out of the way first.]
(I don't know, the fact that you wanted to say something in the first place should mean something, I think? Even if it doesn't feel like it's enough. I don't think she would've expected you to have all the answers for her.
But you're willing to listen. That's what was important, right?)
[ On the other hand, she's sure he would have done so much better. Because she knows he can, but maybe she's biased. She never just gets his words, she gets the safe haven of his mind, of grasping his hand, layers of reliance that she would probably be jealous if every sad girl in the Nest received, but at the same time isn't that really kind of what she's hinting at? She frowns, picking at split ends in her hair.
She doesn't want to dignify his correction to her self-hate, but then maybe does. That she's pretty sure her sins far outweigh her virtues and that she's never going to zero sum that shit out. ]
(It's not important. I'm listening, but in the end I'm still stuck enforcing everything she fears. I don't know how not to obsess over success either. I don't know how to not feel fucking empty and used up either.
I hate that we have kids doing this shit. It's not right. It wasn't right when it was done to me and my classmates, and it's not fucking right now. And here I am still doing fucking nothing about it.)
[His eyes glance down at the paper in his lap, following the scribbled lines he's made, but not really focusing on them. In one corner of the sheet, he's drawn a figure that looks human, but definitely is not -- indicated by two great horns sprouting from its head.
His response is not so much distracted as it is slow and thoughtful.]
(But maybe that's what she needs. Someone who can relate. Not fix her.)
[What manner of fixing could they do, anyway? Shuffled around from world to world, fighting a one-sided war? Commiseration might be all that they really have to hold each other up in circumstances like these.]
(What can you do about it? Other than tell them not to do it. It's not like any of us are in a position of power here. And in the end, it's their choice if they want to fight or not.)
[He feels it encroaching. That discontent, that wave of something threatening to overlap his own focus. Noctis looks over at her again, brows knitting, but instead of saying anything in return, he just gets up and walks over.
He sits next to her, crossing his legs, and offers her the pencil and paper for her to scribble and vent and do whatever she wants with it.]
Draw something if it'll help.
[His little doodle of Ifrit in the corner is laughable at best and he has no real attachment to it, ready to be sacrificed.]
(Do you need me to do anything? I don't know if it'll help if I talk to her. She'd just think I'm butting in.)
(She would. I know that. Just... keep an eye out for her. Her and the fucking blind ass elf.)
[ She exhales irritably, leaning in to look at his Ifrit, normally she'd make fun of it but there's too much on her mind. So she just takes the pencil from him, scribbling a few mindless loops before deciding to start a better version of the monster. A side view of its face, horns striking off the page. ]
(Murphy at least seems fucking fine, that jackass. Sometimes I don't think I even want to know what kind of shit he's been through that he takes all this without batting an eyelash.)
(Blind ass elf...) [He cycles through names and faces, and settles on one.] (Gildor?)
[But he watches as she scribbles a far better version of Ifrit. The astral's profile starts to come to life as she sketches him with impressive dexterity.]
(Murphy might just have one of those personalities where he can... detach himself. Maybe. I don't know him that well.)
[ Her lips purse again, and she turns her head to glare at him briefly. Like she kind of wants to tell him she doesn't worry about anyone or anything ever, but that would be an indefensible lie. She is full of anxiety, all the time. ]
(We already had one kid kill himself. The fuck else am I going to do, not worry? And Gildor just needs somebody who's gonna listen to him when he says he's sober. Which is fucking hard around here, with all this alien fuckin' revelry, let alone our own guys who don't listen about keeping that sensation locked up and put away from the rest of us.)
[ She outright stabs the pencil through the paper in the center of Ifrit's eye. ]
[Ifrit's gone blind, but there will be no love lost from Noctis. He only frowns down at the sketch, then looks at Annie, judging her profile.]
(I know, but that's not what I meant. I'm not saying you shouldn't worry. I'm just saying that you can't take everyone's problems and hope you can fix them.)
[If that's hypocritical of him, he doesn't seem to realize it.]
(We're all in over our heads here. We're all just trying to make do and survive whatever mission comes next. But if you need someone to listen... or you want me to help you with anyone, you know I will.)
( I can fix everyone's problems. Can't fix my problems, so that should make everyone else's a fucking piece of cake.)
[ Bitter sarcasm with a kernel of truth. Your own problems always feel the most insurmountable. The most intrinsic, like who would she even be if she wasn't frothing with poisonous thoughts. ]
(And I am not in over my head, this is the absolute usual bullshit. I just don't get to drink myself into not giving a shit about any of you this time.)
[ She twists the pencil in Ifrit's eye mercilessly. ]
(So here I am taking my complaints to the prince himself. I may or may not have punched Nyx first though.)
[He just watches as the pencil continues to twist through the paper, right through Ifrit's eye.]
(You know it's not that easy, you can't just glue people back together and hope they work the same way afterwards.) [Even if she is being sarcastic, he can see that tiny, crystallized piece of truth lying in the center.] (I can't even hope to understand what others here have been through, and I'm sure the same applies to you.)
[The next question, though, is one he will obviously ask.]
[Instead of figuratively stepping back from that not-quite-threat, Noctis of course just lets an eyebrow raise. It’s playfully conceited and exasperated at the same time.]
[ The whole point is the meat on meat on meat, the rise and fall of breath and stress, until both break. Not significantly different from sex. All about snapping something immaterial. ]
(Are you really looking for another sparring match? Kind of hard to do in these robes we're supposed to be wearing, isn't it?)
[He's been through the training regimens before. He knows all about straining one's body to meet the expectations of someone else trying to pummel you in the face; but Noctis is also inherently lazy, and it's easy enough to avoid pain and punishment when you can just magic your way through it sometimes.]
(Might have to wait until the mission's done. Then I'll let you hit me if you really want to.)
(I know. I'm not telling you to get ahead of yourself, it's just-)
[It's just what?]
(I'm just here to help if you need it. Or if you need help with anyone else. All right?)
[It should go unsaid, and yet he feels the need to reiterate it regardless. He hates feeling restless, feeling useless. He's spent too much of his life like that already.]
[ Her face wrinkles in a grimace. She wants to slap all that shit away, tired of feeling vulnerable. She had started out well, like she was used to the offers for help, and support, but she's maybe hit her peak agreeability for the day. ]
(Yeah, and what about you? You just gonna be a helper, or are you gonna get some of your own shit going on?)
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somnifacient) wrote2017-03-25 01:39 am
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[ She's braiding her hair nearby in the tent, looking off at nothing in particular. ]
When people say the same depressed shit I say to you, I'm like 'What would Noctis tell this dumbass?' but I can't get it out like you do.
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He looks up at her remark, though. He looks vaguely confused and surprised.]
I'm not all that great at it, either. [It's what he truly believes. He never was good at words, and the fact that someone thinks that he is is a little mind-boggling.]
Who's depressed?
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( Asuka, the sulky little redhead I tried to get Anna and Luci to be friends with. )
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(Asuka... I remember her. I talked to her when she first arrived. She did seem like she had a lot of... well. Issues to work out with some of the other people here.)
[A pause.]
(What'd you tell her?)
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[ Her nose wrinkles. ]
( I tried telling her like... It's okay to not be perfect and shit, but it's hard to pretend mistakes here aren't gonna get us killed. Or that she's ever going to get a chance to be anything other than a soldier working for the fucking brain bug. Everything I wanted to say felt useless. )
[ A sad, sideways look gets moved in his direction. ]
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(You're not worthless.)
[But he has to get that out of the way first.]
(I don't know, the fact that you wanted to say something in the first place should mean something, I think? Even if it doesn't feel like it's enough. I don't think she would've expected you to have all the answers for her.
But you're willing to listen. That's what was important, right?)
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She doesn't want to dignify his correction to her self-hate, but then maybe does. That she's pretty sure her sins far outweigh her virtues and that she's never going to zero sum that shit out. ]
( It's not important. I'm listening, but in the end I'm still stuck enforcing everything she fears. I don't know how not to obsess over success either. I don't know how to not feel fucking empty and used up either.
I hate that we have kids doing this shit. It's not right. It wasn't right when it was done to me and my classmates, and it's not fucking right now. And here I am still doing fucking nothing about it. )
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His response is not so much distracted as it is slow and thoughtful.]
(But maybe that's what she needs. Someone who can relate. Not fix her.)
[What manner of fixing could they do, anyway? Shuffled around from world to world, fighting a one-sided war? Commiseration might be all that they really have to hold each other up in circumstances like these.]
(What can you do about it? Other than tell them not to do it. It's not like any of us are in a position of power here. And in the end, it's their choice if they want to fight or not.)
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[ They've already lost one kid to the pressure. Annie full on yanks a few strands of hair out and flicks them aside angrily. ]
( It's not ok. It's so fucking far from fucking ok-- )
[ She's getting upset, her mind churning in noise and color, stormy seas. ]
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He sits next to her, crossing his legs, and offers her the pencil and paper for her to scribble and vent and do whatever she wants with it.]
Draw something if it'll help.
[His little doodle of Ifrit in the corner is laughable at best and he has no real attachment to it, ready to be sacrificed.]
(Do you need me to do anything? I don't know if it'll help if I talk to her. She'd just think I'm butting in.)
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[ She exhales irritably, leaning in to look at his Ifrit, normally she'd make fun of it but there's too much on her mind. So she just takes the pencil from him, scribbling a few mindless loops before deciding to start a better version of the monster. A side view of its face, horns striking off the page. ]
( Murphy at least seems fucking fine, that jackass. Sometimes I don't think I even want to know what kind of shit he's been through that he takes all this without batting an eyelash. )
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[But he watches as she scribbles a far better version of Ifrit. The astral's profile starts to come to life as she sketches him with impressive dexterity.]
(Murphy might just have one of those personalities where he can... detach himself. Maybe. I don't know him that well.)
[A long pause.]
(You worry a lot about everyone, you know?)
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( We already had one kid kill himself. The fuck else am I going to do, not worry? And Gildor just needs somebody who's gonna listen to him when he says he's sober. Which is fucking hard around here, with all this alien fuckin' revelry, let alone our own guys who don't listen about keeping that sensation locked up and put away from the rest of us. )
[ She outright stabs the pencil through the paper in the center of Ifrit's eye. ]
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(I know, but that's not what I meant. I'm not saying you shouldn't worry. I'm just saying that you can't take everyone's problems and hope you can fix them.)
[If that's hypocritical of him, he doesn't seem to realize it.]
(We're all in over our heads here. We're all just trying to make do and survive whatever mission comes next. But if you need someone to listen... or you want me to help you with anyone, you know I will.)
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[ Bitter sarcasm with a kernel of truth. Your own problems always feel the most insurmountable. The most intrinsic, like who would she even be if she wasn't frothing with poisonous thoughts. ]
( And I am not in over my head, this is the absolute usual bullshit. I just don't get to drink myself into not giving a shit about any of you this time. )
[ She twists the pencil in Ifrit's eye mercilessly. ]
( So here I am taking my complaints to the prince himself. I may or may not have punched Nyx first though. )
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(You know it's not that easy, you can't just glue people back together and hope they work the same way afterwards.) [Even if she is being sarcastic, he can see that tiny, crystallized piece of truth lying in the center.] (I can't even hope to understand what others here have been through, and I'm sure the same applies to you.)
[The next question, though, is one he will obviously ask.]
(Why'd you punch Nyx?)
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[ She gives him a dry sideways look. ]
( You're too pretty to beat up on. You just get the whining and shrieking and shit. )
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[The rest of Eos sure didn't get the memo on that.]
(Tell that to all the people back on Eos who've tried to beat me up. And all the monsters. And all the daemons.
Glad you could work it out with Nyx, though.)
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( What, you wanna get hit? )
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(You could try to hit me; you'd just miss.)
[He’d totally phase through it.]
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[ The whole point is the meat on meat on meat, the rise and fall of breath and stress, until both break. Not significantly different from sex. All about snapping something immaterial. ]
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[He's been through the training regimens before. He knows all about straining one's body to meet the expectations of someone else trying to pummel you in the face; but Noctis is also inherently lazy, and it's easy enough to avoid pain and punishment when you can just magic your way through it sometimes.]
(Might have to wait until the mission's done. Then I'll let you hit me if you really want to.)
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( I'm not making any plans for after this mission until we're actually boots down in the Station. )
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[It's just what?]
(I'm just here to help if you need it. Or if you need help with anyone else. All right?)
[It should go unsaid, and yet he feels the need to reiterate it regardless. He hates feeling restless, feeling useless. He's spent too much of his life like that already.]
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( Yeah, and what about you? You just gonna be a helper, or are you gonna get some of your own shit going on? )
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