[ She wasn't. She let him in here, to start with. She let him keep coming in here. Let him keep hanging out in her head because she'd liked the concept of it: that maybe it would be okay, he'd become a part of her and be safe. But becoming a part of her is so much more than just walking across the landscape. More than that stupid chocobo (something she could summon into her hand even now because this isn't the fucking physical world, of course she can't just crush it and be done with it, fucking stupid Noctis.) ]
[He shakes his head, water rippling out around him with every movement that his body makes.]
So? [It isn't dismissive, though it sounds like it might be at first. But he means it plainly, truly inquisitive. So what if she gets out of control? Does she honestly think he'll ever prioritize his own wellness over anyone else's?
Maybe he'll reach that point of no return one day. A risk he's willing to take, as long as he's able to provide her with some mode of comfort. At least then he can feel useful.]
So you get out of control. We fix it, then we get back to where we were before.
[ The sky gets stormy with her upset, strange clouds rolling in overhead. ]
Do you not get that this isn't fuckin' new? I break like a fuckin' ice sculpture every time I lose somebody I've put too much goddamn feeling in to.
[ So maybe, just maybe, it's about protecting herself from him too. ]
And then I'm just this fucking howling thing. I lost a teacher I really liked when I was thirteen, so the fuckin' tentacles had me try to bash my face into a sink. So I just drank and painted a bunch instead. There's no fixing this shit.
I'm fucking unstable and I'm going to hurt the people hooked into my fucking head.
[ She's crying. They're his stupid tears, echoing inside of her. She wipes at her eyes furiously with the back of her hand, but it's meaningless, and the temperature drops and it starts to rain. ]
[Grey skies rolling in, he can feel the change in air pressure in his head, the anxious touch of rain that sprinkles from the sky.]
Annie...
[The words die on his tongue, unsure of what they were even going to be. The unwillingness to hurt her, the want to help -- how both of these things just cycle around to spell out pain either way. And Noctis, sentimental fool that he is, willing to pick up all of these pieces each time they shatter at his feet. Glue them back to together until they're whole again, even if they're not the same as before. Wasn't that better than nothing?
He wonders.
He can barely stand seeing her cry, even if it's a borrowed tendency. Noctis steps forward and does the only thing he can think of: he pulls her into a hug. The rain is coming down now, pelting at his hair, his shoulders. Streaming down his face.]
[ She possibly had something else to say, like maybe wasn't it enough that she drove everyone away, or that she had to watch everyone die in front of her but now there's an extra layer of bullshit where she can break their fucking minds like twigs too. But she's busy crying. There's a helpless, childlike quality to the way she does it, maybe that's his influence too or maybe that's because they're in her head and she can't put up any pretenses. She wants Nyx to come back and tell them they're both being stupid, to burn off all this salt-water and sadness with a well placed burst of fire. He's gone now, and the place where he should be is cratered in like an earthquake took it away, so much earth and wildlife dragged into the sinkhole of it, destroyed now, and out of reach. It'll be the same thing all over again if Noctis goes. Something vital will collapse inside her and she'll just start the ruinous process of it all over again.
I’ll leave you alone after you get a chance to cry.
[And it’s the truth. If he lets her cry, even if there’s no true resolution wrought from it, he’s acted as some kind of support. A figure for her to collapse upon, a pillar to lean on. It’s all he can give her right now, and he holds onto her tight, so that she doesn’t slip out from under him and disappear into the water.
The rain is cold, and his hair sticks at the side of his face. Both of them, wet and miserable, but at least they’re together in their sorrow. Comfort found in commiseration. Maybe nothing’s changed, where that’s concerned.]
[ She hates him so much, she wants to beat her fists on him. Why does she have to explain this shit to him, what is wrong with him that he can't just figure this shit out? ]
I wouldn't be upset if I didn't care. Fucking hell, you're so dense....
[ She had told Asuka that, that sometimes crying was just what the body needed, but that's not what this feels like. That kind of crying built up inside you until you wanted to puke, until you had to let it out or you'd pop. This... this... just comes out, it feels pathetic not cathartic. ]
No.
[ Muttered into his wet shirtfront. ]
Just leave it alone.
[ What will she do if he doesn't? Just push away again? ]
[He thinks that she might just recoil from him, the result of him continually stepping over a line that she's clearly drawn in the ground. But Noctis is equal parts stubborn and perpetually concerned. And so:]
[ It's not. She told him it wasn't, that she had all these thoughts of doing better, all this guilt as a survivor when so many others died. But all that forward momentum feels gone. She no longer feels like she's living a new life. Where she's headmistress and has all this responsibility to the kids who need her to keep them safe.
No one cares here. If she dies, they'll just cut her open to take a look at what makes her so freakish and then they'll burn her up.
The tears are silent sliding down her face.
This is the same life she's always been living, and it had only ever been tolerable half-numb. ]
You're not enough.
[ Was that too cruel? He had asked before, if the brood could keep her going... No. It can't. ]
[You're not enough. Those words should be shattering, heard by Noctis who carries the weight of his own world with him everyday. Not being enough meant not being able to save everyone. It meant that his own existence, sparked to life by the need of sacrifice, was still lacking.
He could save all of Eos. He could call upon gods themselves, he could destroy the Usurper who laughed at them both. How could he not be enough to save Annie?
But there's no shock, no indignant looks. Only the sound of disappointment in his voice.]
Something… [He doesn’t know what to say, and so the sentence just tumbles out, not able to see any other solution.] Something is better than nothing.
[If there is one thing that Noctis is forever good at, it is sending a spike of sentimentality directed straight at someone's emotions. Easy to do, for someone just as emotional.]
You really don't have to apologize. Neither of us were really... at one-hundred percent at the time. ...I wasn't angry.
[He was just really confused and shocked and unprepared to deal with it.]
[That overbearing sadness, he means. The ironic part is that if he loses another broodmate… well. She wouldn’t be around for him to worry about it being a repeat situation anyway.]
Sometimes I might rely on this whole “being in each other’s head” thing too much, I guess. So... sorry.
[-he says, for the sake of being both difficult and stubborn. For the sake of just not answering her question, because yes, he probably should be upset in some small way, but he's not.]
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somnifacient) wrote2017-03-25 01:39 am
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[ She wasn't. She let him in here, to start with. She let him keep coming in here. Let him keep hanging out in her head because she'd liked the concept of it: that maybe it would be okay, he'd become a part of her and be safe. But becoming a part of her is so much more than just walking across the landscape. More than that stupid chocobo (something she could summon into her hand even now because this isn't the fucking physical world, of course she can't just crush it and be done with it, fucking stupid Noctis.) ]
Not just with you. I get out of control--
[ Whether I'm drinking or not. ]
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So? [It isn't dismissive, though it sounds like it might be at first. But he means it plainly, truly inquisitive. So what if she gets out of control? Does she honestly think he'll ever prioritize his own wellness over anyone else's?
Maybe he'll reach that point of no return one day. A risk he's willing to take, as long as he's able to provide her with some mode of comfort. At least then he can feel useful.]
So you get out of control. We fix it, then we get back to where we were before.
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[ The sky gets stormy with her upset, strange clouds rolling in overhead. ]
Do you not get that this isn't fuckin' new? I break like a fuckin' ice sculpture every time I lose somebody I've put too much goddamn feeling in to.
[ So maybe, just maybe, it's about protecting herself from him too. ]
And then I'm just this fucking howling thing. I lost a teacher I really liked when I was thirteen, so the fuckin' tentacles had me try to bash my face into a sink. So I just drank and painted a bunch instead. There's no fixing this shit.
I'm fucking unstable and I'm going to hurt the people hooked into my fucking head.
[ She's crying. They're his stupid tears, echoing inside of her. She wipes at her eyes furiously with the back of her hand, but it's meaningless, and the temperature drops and it starts to rain. ]
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Annie...
[The words die on his tongue, unsure of what they were even going to be. The unwillingness to hurt her, the want to help -- how both of these things just cycle around to spell out pain either way. And Noctis, sentimental fool that he is, willing to pick up all of these pieces each time they shatter at his feet. Glue them back to together until they're whole again, even if they're not the same as before. Wasn't that better than nothing?
He wonders.
He can barely stand seeing her cry, even if it's a borrowed tendency. Noctis steps forward and does the only thing he can think of: he pulls her into a hug. The rain is coming down now, pelting at his hair, his shoulders. Streaming down his face.]
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She sags into him anyway. ]
Just... leave me alone...
[ It was a lot easier that way. ]
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[And it’s the truth. If he lets her cry, even if there’s no true resolution wrought from it, he’s acted as some kind of support. A figure for her to collapse upon, a pillar to lean on. It’s all he can give her right now, and he holds onto her tight, so that she doesn’t slip out from under him and disappear into the water.
The rain is cold, and his hair sticks at the side of his face. Both of them, wet and miserable, but at least they’re together in their sorrow. Comfort found in commiseration. Maybe nothing’s changed, where that’s concerned.]
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It's your fault I'm crying in the first place, you stupid dickhead.
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How're your tears my fault?
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I wouldn't be upset if I didn't care. Fucking hell, you're so dense....
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[Words exchanged, a sorry repartee, waist-deep in water.
A long silence, and then:]
Do you wanna talk about the drinking?
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No.
[ Muttered into his wet shirtfront. ]
Just leave it alone.
[ What will she do if he doesn't? Just push away again? ]
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But I want to help.
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[ It's not. She told him it wasn't, that she had all these thoughts of doing better, all this guilt as a survivor when so many others died. But all that forward momentum feels gone. She no longer feels like she's living a new life. Where she's headmistress and has all this responsibility to the kids who need her to keep them safe.
No one cares here. If she dies, they'll just cut her open to take a look at what makes her so freakish and then they'll burn her up.
The tears are silent sliding down her face.
This is the same life she's always been living, and it had only ever been tolerable half-numb. ]
You're not enough.
[ Was that too cruel? He had asked before, if the brood could keep her going... No. It can't. ]
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He could save all of Eos. He could call upon gods themselves, he could destroy the Usurper who laughed at them both. How could he not be enough to save Annie?
But there's no shock, no indignant looks. Only the sound of disappointment in his voice.]
Something… [He doesn’t know what to say, and so the sentence just tumbles out, not able to see any other solution.] Something is better than nothing.
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You're such a dumbass.
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Maybe. Your dumbass, though.
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I'm sorry I super brainfucked you.
[ Which is really only a small expression of all the things she's sorry for in her life. ]
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You really don't have to apologize. Neither of us were really... at one-hundred percent at the time. ...I wasn't angry.
[He was just really confused and shocked and unprepared to deal with it.]
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[ A sigh. Why is he always letting her get away with this shit. ]
Should have done a better job because you were fuckin' sad, but I can't... deal with both of us at the same time. Which sucks, I suck.
[ So she just smushes her face into his shirt. ]
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You don't suck. It's fine, I promise.
[He lightly presses his chin against the top of her head.]
Next time I'll just be more careful.
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[ What the hell is being careful around a creeping cosmic horror. ]
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[That overbearing sadness, he means. The ironic part is that if he loses another broodmate… well. She wouldn’t be around for him to worry about it being a repeat situation anyway.]
Sometimes I might rely on this whole “being in each other’s head” thing too much, I guess. So... sorry.
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[ She thumps a closed fist onto his shoulder. ]
How the hell are you the one apologizing to me? Just be mad at me, I fuckin' deserve it.
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[-he says, for the sake of being both difficult and stubborn. For the sake of just not answering her question, because yes, he probably should be upset in some small way, but he's not.]
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I'm so tired.
(no subject)